It’s a slow news day so I figured I’d make a post related to my short feature “An American King,” where I play a fat guy with his own reality TV show (I should be finished post-production in 2 weeks). So today we are honoring Television’s greatest fat male characters. The only rule I made when making this list is that the characters had to be regulars on the show.

10) Tony Soprano – “Sopranos”
Tony is the most powerful man on our list and I’m sure some of you feel we should have gotten to him later, but you have to take into consideration that Tony at times, almost seems in denial about his fatness in the sense that it doesn’t really define his character like everyone else on the list. However, the character is so complex and has so much depth it would be wrong not to include him. Besides I don’t want a hit put out on me for ignoring him.

9) Turtle – “Entourage”
Not only is Turtle a fat man, but he’s a fat man in L.A. He’s a fat man with a best friend who is a movie star. Out of everyone on our list, society’s concept or at least Hollywood’s concept of body image constantly causes him trouble, but his humor and being the best friend of a movie star gets him regularly laid. That’s really the only reason he’s on the list. Other than Tony (with his power) Turtle gets more women than any other fat man on TV.

Norm Peterson – “Cheers”
If it was possible to create a butt groove in a wooden bar stool then Norm would be the man to do it. He spent most of “Cheers” unemployed but that never stopped him from drinking beer and running up a bar tab. The final factor that makes Norm worthy of this list is that when he’s not busy sipping beer at Cheers he’s at The Hungry Heifer where he knows the waitress by name and often orders the “Feeding Frenzy.”

7) Doug Heffernan – “King of Queens”
Doug gives all fat men hope. He’s a fat guy with a hot wife. But like many on our list he’s also stupid, childish, selfish, and lazy. He’s also tried to lose weight too many times to count, but beer and junk food seem to always get in the way. Maybe it’s because he’s on a sitcom, but of all the characters played by actors he’s the most cartoon-ish on the list.

6) Newman – “Seinfeld”
NEWMAN! You can’t think of the character without hearing Jerry Seinfeld say his name in disgust. Not only was he the perfect nemesis to Jerry, but he was also a disgusting slob and committed to being fat. He’s such a pig that in the “Non-Fat Yogurt” episode he refused to eat yogurt, not because it tasted bad, but because he couldn’t consciously eat something that didn’t have fat in it.

5) Eric Cartman – “South Park”
Eric is easily evil incarnate and because he’s one of the most offensive characters in Television’s history he’s probably one of the most well known people on this list. So sure he may have become famous for denouncing Jews and mocking Scientologist but he’s still a fat son of a bitch and no one lets him forget it. He’s given fat men all around the world such defensives as “I’m not fat, I’m big bone!”

4) Hugo ‘Hurley’ Reyes – “Lost”
Hurley is probably the most loved fat guy on the list. He has really become the heart of “Lost” and his episodes are always good for depth and fun. He’s also a classic fat man and well aware of his body size. There was a whole episode dedicated to how he was sneaking food to explain why he wasn’t losing weight while being stuck on a deserted island.

3) Peter Griffin – “Family Guy”
Peter is probably the most moronic of all the characters on this list. Even though there was an episode where Peter became obsessed with being skinny its still debatable on whether or not he truly realizes he’s fat. That sense of ignorance really separates him from everyone else. As does the fact that we’ve never seen any of these characters naked as many times as we’ve seen Peter.

2) George Costanza – “Seinfeld”
George once pulled an éclair out of the trashcan and ate it. His only hesitation was pausing and making sure no one was looking. Like Homer, George knows he’s fat and accepts it. The difference is that George has some intelligence and tries to use his fatness to his own advantage. Remember when he was married but tried to hook up with Marissa Tome because he learned she had a fat/bald-man fetish?

1) Homer Simpson – “The Simpsons”
If you ask someone who the greatest fat person on TV is, chances are the first character they think of is Homer Simpson. From donuts, to beer, to whole turkeys and everything in between the man loves food and loves being fat. In its almost 20 year run, there have been more episodes about Homer being fat than one can count. No other character deserves to be on this list more than him.

Honorable Mentions (in no order):
Drew Carey – “Drew Carry Show”
Ralph Kramden – “Honeymooners”
Dan Conner – “Roseanne”
Phil Margera & Don Vito – “Jackass/ViVa La Bam”
Denny Crane – “Boston Legal”
Sean Blumberg – “Felicity”
Louie De Palma – “Taxi”
Lou Grant – “Mary Tyler Moore”
The Skipper – “Gilligan’s Island”
Richard Hatch – “Survivor”
Andy Richter – “Conan O’Brien”
Londo Mollari – “Babylon 5”

It’s odd because as I look over this list I see it’s really heavy (pun intended) in terms of modern-day characters. At first I thought to myself that this was because I’m a child of the 80’s and these are the characters I know best. However, after really thinking about it I don’t think that’s true. I think this is a fairly accurate list (with the exception of Turtle) and even if I knew older generation TV characters better, none of them could compare to Homer, George, etc… I think this is a statement on our modern day society. You couldn’t have characters like Peter Griffin or Cartman back in the old days. Whether that’s a good thing or not, it’s not my place to judge.

If you feel there are any amazing fat male characters that I’ve left off the list feel free to post and explain why Fat Albert or others should be on it.